Rumors of My Death
E-book ISBN-13: 978-1-926912-72-1
Formats: html, js, mobi, epub, pdf, rtf, lrf, pdb, txt
Kindle ISBN-13: 978-1-926912-73-8
Release date: February 15th, 2012
Rumors of My Death – Elizabeth Michelle Aster is having a bad day.
She set fire to her kitchen. She accidentally killed her canary. She lost her job. She lost her girlfriend.
No wonder people call her Diz-Aster. It couldn’t get any worse. Could it?
It can. She hires a guy to murder her, but ‘Bullwinkle’ bungles the job, yet he just keeps trying in one botch-up after another. The ghost of her dead canary is haunting her, and talking to her with a Spanish accent. The mysterious new woman in her life is a bit off herself, and definitely not what she seems.
It can’t get any worse than that.
At least she still has her collection of Converse Chuck Taylors.
What they’re saying about Rumors of My Death:
The lights are on but no one’s home.
She’s one twist short of a Slinky.
These are the kinds of things that have been said about me my whole life. And not, as you might think, by cruel school children alone. Nope. My own family tossed some of those little gems my way. Siblings and parents alike.
And now everyone wonders why I may be slightly fucked-up. Real geniuses, I tell you.
She’s not playing with a full deck.
By the time I was five, I’d already established this reputation I have of being a little off, a walking catastrophe you might say. So, though I was born Elizabeth Michelle Aster, I wasn’t even in first grade when I was given the nickname Dizzy, thereby being known sometimes and forever after as Diz Aster.
Yeah, I know.
Ha ha. Laugh it up. Enjoy yourself. It’s all good.
She’s a few Fruit Loops shy of a bowl.
Anyway. I somehow managed to grow up without too many scars, but found myself running around with a few shady characters and got into some trouble. Drugs, cops, blah, blah, blah. You know the story.
But then at the ripe old age of 24, I met a girl. A nice girl, a respectable girl, and I decided to become respectable myself. And so I did. Sort of.
At least I tried.
She’s queerer than a three-dollar bill.
Ah, how right they were.
And it was pretty much the only thing they were right about. Because I’m not stupid. A little different, yeah. Odd, unique, maybe a tad eccentric, but not stupid. I’m one of those rare individuals who deserve more credit than they’re given. I’ve found with most people, it’s just the opposite. But, I digress…
In conclusion, I guess I can say that if I were a character in a movie, I’d have to warn everyone about the things that follow. I’d have to tell everyone not try any of this shit at home.
Don’t try any of this shit at home.